I’m a husband, so when the wife asks me to do something I typically do it. Grudgingly, but I do it. Take out the trash, pick up my drawls, change the oil (I pay someone to do that), but you get my drift. I’m also a father, so I do daddy things, take the oldest to practices, change diapers, give baths and get down on the ground a play with my eleven month old. I know there is going to come a time when I may have some free time. The kids will be gone, my wife may be too (just playing), my point is thatI’ll have more time on my hands to do whatever I feel like. Last time I had free time I explored the breast milk market. Now if given some extra time on my hand I’ve decided to come up with a list so I can feel like I have accomplished something. A lot of people have bucket list. A list of things they want to do before they die. Well I have that too, but mine is more on the ratchet side. So people, I give you, the Hood Bucket List™. The Hood Bucket List™ is list of things that may or may not be illegal that I want to do before I die. Here it goes:
1 . High-speed chase on camera
There are countless high-speed chases we see on television. I want one too and it want it to look something like this:
Swerve.
2. Help Jay-Z find the 92 bricks he lost
In his song ‘Never Change’ Jay-Z said “Lost 92 bricks, had to fall back.” 92 bricks is a lot of weight to lose and me being the helpful guy that I am have decided to help Jay recover this lost product. He’s going to thank me and probably make me a honorary cousin or nephew, I just know it.
3. Get a Tupac Quote or bible verse tatted on my body
Currently, I have zero tattoos, but I’m thinking what better way to start inking my whole body than with a lyric or bible verse somewhere on my body. It was either that or a family member and I’m still not sure which direction to go. Any suggestions?
4. Walk a pitbull with a chain
It’s the thing to do. You get a pit, crop their ears and put a chain on its neck. Simple. I can do this. Is this animal cruelty?
5. Wear an outfit with house shoes
I think I’ll get dressed for my day, shirt, pants, etc. but instead of a fresh pair of kicks, I’ll go with the classic house slipper.
Did you know Snoop Dogg has his own custom one? Neither did I until I was thinking about adding this to my list. Fashizzle, consider it done.
6. Rock a Velour track suit
I never got into the Velour fad, wasn’t my thing. I can make it my thing. Why not? I’m an open-minded individual. While looking for an awesome pictures of track suits, I found an even awesomer website. Take a gander at this: http://sweatsedo.com/men
I am definitely copping and rocking one before I kick the bucket.
7. Go to the BET Awards show
If you are on twitter you know that it goes crazy when awards shows come on, but when the BET awards come on it is at it’s best. Why not be there in person and be part of what everyone else is only watching from their home. I might even run into Lil Wayne and ask him why he was wearing these below.
Anyway, those a few of the things that I want to check off before I check out. Am I missing anything?? Any suggestions?
As a guy you get older and realize that you either you ain’t gonna be shit or you’re going to find a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The trouble is we often can’t tell if the person who were with is the right person. Well, I’ve figured it out and am giving it away for free for today only.
1. She tries to kill you over a Dream
My wife dreamt the house caught on fire. During this fire I somehow rescued the baby instead of her and at the same time hit on her hot friend. This prompted my wife to wake up immediately and threaten to kill me if I ever rescued the baby and not her at the same time and I better never ever even glance in her hot friend’s direction again. Can’t win for losing. It was a dream, it wasn’t real. I will forever be confused by anyone who uses the meaning of their dreams in real life, because often times they just don’t make no gottdamn sense. I don’t know how that turtle floating into a unicorn made you believe your mom wasn’t the mom for you, but it happens. What I did get from my wife’s dream was I knew she was crazy, but also I knew that she loved me and didn’t want to lose me, whether by fire or friend. If she threatens to kill you over a dream she’s definitely a keeper.
2. Her family are Good People
I judge a woman by her family and know that I may be judged by the same standard. Crack head mom? Yeah, I don’t want to deal with that for the rest of my life. Her brother a gang banger? I can’t live with this guy trying to kill me because his sister and I argue. I like breathing. If her mom is solid and her grandparents are even more solid, keep her. It’s hard to find keepers because frankly there are a lot of women who think their dreams are reality or have daddy issues. It’s once you see they come from a solid family that can bring them back down to earth, that you’re more clear that she’s right for you.
3. She doesn’t quote ratchet rap lyrics
Sure there are some girls out there that know the hottest ratchet song out at the time. Then there is the girl who knows EVERY ratchet rap lyric every created and stays up-to-date on those songs. She in the club singing off-key… “I beat the p*ssy up…” This says a lot about her character. It really subtle things that help you determine if you are going to keep her or not. I’m just here to help.
I know there are other signs. What are ones that you use?
I got bored. I need to understand some things. The Giants just won me $350 and its Black History Month. I’m questioning things that I do not understand. So I went back to my friend, who happens to be Caucasian, to ask him more questions regarding these things that I do not understand. This is done in jest and if I have offended anyone, get over it. If you haven’t read Part 1, check it out here Stuff White People Do.
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1. What do you use to set the mood? Neil Diamond? Tom Jones? Barbara Streisand? I am still very much intrigued.
I often wondered if mood music was a useful tool of seduction used in homes across America. Without going into too much detail I definitely remember my parents using it. Did your parents use it? Do you use it?
Answer: Contrary to popular opinion white folks be getting down.
I’m talking down; throw all caution to the wind, loosen up the suspenders, take the pennies out the loafers, give a care less about unplugging the lava lamp, knock over the commemorative Princess Diana china set getting down. I’m talking about getting down. All the way down man. And, nope, it doesn’t involve the usual suspects to get that kick started– no Marvin, no Stevie, no Weekend(if you like cursing in your R-n-B), nope none of that. White folks have been figured out that when it comes to the getting down and the traditional mood setting music is just a minor player in the whole scene. There is, and always will be, a king when it comes to setting that mood. The undisputed heavyweight champion of booty procurement. The one who is responsible for more babies than Shawn Kemp and Antonio Cromartie on a never-ending spring break. The king of the get down.
Wine.
There’s not a white person on the face of this earth getting booty without some help from the crushed grapes. Shit, i don’t even drink but you better believe I have a bottle of wine ready to go at a moments notice the second I so much as get an inkling my wife might “not be tired.”
Shit, wine is so powerful that it doesn’t even have to be ingested to work. You ever see an older rich white dude and he’s got a wine cellar?? Shit, he might as well have a circular bed and bearskin comforters in the eyes of a middle-aged white women.
If you see a dude with purple teeth I promise you that man is getting down, no question about it. I know Chris Rock talks about keeping his daughter off the pole, but you best believe my main goal in life is going to be keeping my daughter far from the Rossi. Wine is that powerful to the white folk libido.
2. Do y’all eat Mac-n-Cheese as a meal? On Holidays?
My dad probably makes one of best macaroni and cheese dishes I have ever eaten. No debate. It’s typically a side dish cheffed up on holidays. Never as a meal. However, I heard that may not be the case in White households. True? False?
Answer: First off let me state that when you asked this question the entire world as I have known it for my 32 years was forever altered.
Like, I’m talking I’m now at a point where I can’t ever go back altered. Changed. Forever. Fin.
I’m convinced you must have a white spy. You found one of my paler brethren suffering from a case of loose lips and tricked him into giving you the info. I legitimately thought we had that one as a secret. Our secret. I don’t trust you anymore, basically.
Yes, we eat mac-n-cheese as a meal. Yes, that even means on Holidays. In fact we actually task someone (usually the top cook who has not already been tasked with the main meal) and put that person in charge of the mac-n-cheese prep. To take it even further, holiday mac-n-cheese is a whole different beast than anytime else throughout the year mac-n-cheese and will even get hit up with special ingredients, fine cheeses, and different types of macaroni. It’s serious business.
Mac-n-cheese, by itself, is and always will be a perfectly acceptable meal. I’m talking all the way from the top of the line stuff (don’t laugh) on down to the tried and true blue box. If you so much as have two of those in the pantry then you are good to go at any and all times. Sometimes I’ll prepare food to be featured in the mac-n-cheese, time allowing, to do what I can to bring out the mac-n-cheese flavor. Have you ever had sriracha/ginger marinated chicken served over macaroni and cheese? Heaven to a unrhythmic soul. Oh yeah, and us white folks don’t be putting milk in our mac-n-cheese. That’s some flat our rookie shit man. Show some class.
3. Why can’t white people dance on rhythm?
They don’t care about the beat? They ignore the beat? They just do whatever their body wants to do.
Answer: Man I don’t know why we cant dance, if I knew it id put a stop to it.
[Then he sent me this picture. Dead.]
I imagine that Friday by Rebecca Black is playing in the background
Are there any questions you have for white people? I will shoot them over to my friend and see if he is willing to go for round 3.
If you get bored follow me on twitter @Blacktrimony.
I have been in a few scuffles in my life. I’m a scuffler. Is scuffler even a word? It is for the sake of this post. Anyway, like I said I’ve scuffled with a few people in my history. None have left me more scarred then the day I fought the bear.
I used to take the bus to and from school. You know the bright yellow bus with the school district’s name painted on the side. The bus driver Will knew me by name and I tormented him when we could. I was in sixth grade at the time, but the bus used to have the middle school kids on there too. Let me paint the picture for you now. In sixth grade I was only 4′ 8 increases (I’m 6’0 now). A virtual midget among my classmates. A midget. Now imagine a midget taking on a bear. A big, brown, angry grizzly bear. Is the picture coming to you? This is what happened to me…
The bear I am referring to was 2 years older than me and a girl, but she was built like a grizzly bear. Big, brown and mean. Even this description doesn’t do her justice. A known bully around the neighborhood, you really had to avoid eye contact and crossing her path to never feel her wrath. I did this, I thought. I avoided. I never crossed. It wasn’t until one day that I was riding the bus home from school did I know something bad was going to happen. She began an argument on the bus, I don’t remember what it was about, but it somehow led to me getting off the bus in a panic and having to face the bear.
I wouldn’t even really call it a fight. She attempted to assault me and using my craftiness and scuffle experience, she was never able to lay her paws on me. She scratched my arm as she tried to grab me, but I evaded that. She swung at me but missed. I knew this was a losing battle and I did the only thing I could do at the time. I ran like a bitch. Who says you can outrun a bear? That is exactly what I did. Backpack full of books and all, i ran. There was no way a bear could keep up with me for long distances. Plus I also imagined the fight going like the video below.
You ever fought a bear? Me neither and I never plan on it.
I received a text from a female friend that had me scrambling. I began to scroll through my mental Rolodex. Then I searched my entire contact list in my cell phone, but to no avail. Then I went back into my mind, thinking that maybe I had missed something. It hit me and had me in disbelief. I could not find one single friend to play matchmaker to my friend’s friend. Not one. Sure, I know some single guys, but in the context that this text came to it had to be someone who actually liked to go on dates. What really is strange is that most of my guys friends are in committed relationships or married. Ten years ago, some of these guys were the biggest bachelors I had known and showed no signs of letting go of that lifestyle. Now, they’re buying houses with their soon-to-be wife’s, contemplating when the best time is to have their second child and secretly ring shopping and thinking of clever ways to propose. These were all guys who previously would share stories of conquests and adventures in the dating world, now picking out Berber carpet and the best manly diaper bag. All of this got me thinking, is this what happens? Is this the next chapter in our lives? Married, raising kids, coaching kid’s teams, changing diapers, paying mortgages? Do all the players hang up their sneaks for their “one”? Simply put, yes. I don’t know if it’s a primitive driving force of not wanting to be alone or some group like mindedness that has us all on similar paths, but I feel like it’s inevitable. When you’re young you are a little more wild and free, but as you get older that lifestyle loses its luster, you progress for a more stable existence. I really want to know how long this phase lasts, because I do know one of the next steps after this is the divorce stage. Is that when it gets wild and exciting again? We shall see.
Single-parent households in the black community have long been the trend. Statistics dating back to 2009 had the number of single parents at 67% in the African American community. Honestly, I was not surprised as I had spent a large amount of my childhood being raised by my mom and experiencing it firsthand. A lot of the people I grew up with households were much the same. That is not to say my dad wasn’t there, he just wasn’t there on a daily basis. I did the every other weekend thing that you do when your parents are separated. I guess I turned out okay because of it. However, now when I give my son his nightly bath I can’t imagine how you wouldn’t want to be in your child’s life everyday. The things small are what I seem to cherish the most. The smile of recognition I get when I pick him up from daycare. The light grasp of an 7 month-old’s hand against your face. Again, this is just me, because there is still a large contingency of my people who aren’t taking care of their kids. I mean we see this daily on The Maury Povich show and the celebrations of NOT being the father, or we hear stories of people we may know with baby daddies that aren’t in the picture.
Hopefully, this trend is changing with the new song released by Jay-Z it has become somewhat cool to actually father your children. If you haven’t heard it, take a listen below. It’s just a shame a rapper has to make something cool for it actually to matter.
I’ve never been one to make new year resolutions. I’m relatively fit and workout semi-regularly, so no need to get back into the gym. I don’t really have any vices, I actually gave up my Starbucks addiction two weeks prior to the new year. However, something about this year made me think that maybe I need to set some kind of resolution for this upcoming year so that when 2013 comes and I look back on 2012, I can say I did something productive. Here are a few resolutions I came up with:
- I resolve to get a new pair of glasses – this may not be significant for some, but I have been putting getting new glasses for some time. It is no surprise to people that know me that I have a large head and finding the right pair can take some time. I’m still looking.
- I resolve my baby to grow into his head – My baby definitely has the my head and there is going to come a time when no normal hat will fit on his head. Do you know what it’s like to never wear a fedora? Not that I want to, but I just want to know that I can and he can.
- I resolve to be more handy - I am far from handy and I hate fixing anything. Given the chance I will call a handyman to fix it, then me get my hands dirty. Yet, over the weekend I did help a friend fix their car. Like really helped them get it running again. You know how handy I felt, so handy that I made it my resolution. I will fix more, paint more and DIY more.
You really have to keep it simple when it comes to resolutions. I think when I look back on this year, I will be satisfied with myself. I’m a simple man. Did you set resolutions this year? Will you keep them?
The Occupy Wall Street movement is great in theory, but less so in practice. There are plenty of reasons why it doesn’t work, but the main reason is that it lacks leadership. No galvanizing voice to really spark the group a give it a face to get behind. Aside from that I think there are significant lessons we can learn from the movement. One lesson is I probably won’t be rich. If 99% aren’t rich, and 1% have all the wealth, chances are I am in that 99%. You probably are too and I don’t see that changing any time soon. That has to suck to some people. Keep hope alive. Honestly, your parents probably are working regular jobs, their parents worked regular jobs and so on and so forth. You can fight this idea if you want. However, if you accept this realization there are probably better things you could occupy than Wall Street. You know I’m helpful at times and I put together a random short list of things you could occupy instead of Wall Street. Here it goes.
1. Occupy Your Kid’s Lives
Many of my friends are great fathers to their kids, but I hear the thing to do as a Black man is not claim the kid and not be in their life. Then they find out they are the dad on Maury, can’t do their well thought out dance and are forced to pay child support, which they probably won’t pay. Sad story, Black American dad story. I’m not saying this is everyone, but there is a trend in the Black community for fathers to not be there for their children. Have you heard how many songs Jay-Z has referenced to his dad not being in his life? I don’t care how many baby mama’s you have, scoop all them rug rats up from every one of their houses and Occupy their life. Take them to a park, or to get ice cream or just play a board game. It doesn’t have to be much, but they’ll be better for it.
2. Occupy A New Job
What I don’t get about this #ows movement is the fact that with all this time spent in the parks and encampments, why no one has come up with a new job they can actively participate in. Find your talent. Occupy the library to read a book on how to do something worthwhile in this ever-changing economy. Occupy a Classroom. Learn that skill, then go get that job. Maybe that is too simplified. Or maybe I got better things to do that will put food on the table then to sit in a tent with a bunch of other unemployed people. Am I the 1% now?
3. Occupy Some New Music
The music game today is definitely changed since the days of CD’s, Disc-man with the anti-skip and mini disc. (Mini disc was my sh*t) There is so much new music coming out all the time, it can be hard to keep up, but it’s also awesome at the same time. Bands are promoting themselves differently, artists are putting out more mix tapes and the music is out there for the people. Like it should be. Here is my Guide to Cursing in Your R&B if that is what you are in to. Also check for new music from The Black Keys, The Roots,
Anyway, catch me occupying my bed on Saturdays when the baby let’s me sleep in. Or occupying Starbucks when I don’t get enough sleep. Share your suggestion for other stuff to occupy with me. I’m here. I listen well.
Comedian Patrice O’Neal died today. That was surprising, because he was only 41 years old. The idea of a celebrity dying makes many people realize how short life is, struggling with the idea of their own mortality has people taking the mentality of ‘you only live once’ (#YOLO) to heart. Uncertainty, anger, sadness are common; so are doubts about how long you may live. I definitely understand. When a celebrity or anyone close dies at such a young age it is hard to put into context that you may live such a long life and it is easy to want to adopt the mentality ‘live your life to fullest.’
However, living your life to the fullest to some people has a completely different meaning. They take it to mean to try everything at least once, including every drug, person and adventurous thing possible. Fearlessness of societal norms that hold other people back don’t affect them, they will do whatever it is to make sure that when they look back on their life they have left nothing on the table. This mentality is exciting to subscribe to, because essentially you can do whatever, whenever, however. In reality, it is unrealistic. Our worlds are so much bigger than just ourselves.
I lost my grandmother recently. As I am sitting in the church reading her life story summarized into three paragraphs, it was amazing how many people’s lives she touched. She left behind five kids, fifteen grandchildren, fifteen great grandchildren and a legacy of selflessness. Anyone who knew my grandmother knew that her love and care went beyond boundaries for just herself. One story that sticks with me is how although my parents have been divorced for over 30 years, anytime I spoke with my grandma she would always ask how my mom was doing. Never failed. A lady that had been out of her life 20 plus years, she still took the time to ask about. It’s a small thing, but it stuck with me. It made me understand that our lives affect more than just us. We affect each other. We change each other and influence each other, based on our thoughts, ideas and actions.
You can go around being selfish because it makes YOU feel good or you can have general interest for the people in your life. I choose to live the life similar to my grandma. I’ll live once, but it will be with care and concern for the well being of the people around me. RIP Grandma. RIP Patrice O’Neal.
In becoming the parent of a new baby I knew things were going to change. I just knew it. I was telling myself that my sleep was going to be less, it is. I knew the relationship with my wife would change, it has. I knew the house would change, because babies have the most stuff you ever seen in your life. Ever. Why do babies have so much stuff? It makes no sense at all. I was ready for change, I voted for Barack. So I thought. There were a few changes that honestly came out of nowhere and I’m still adjusting to them.
1. Babies soften you up
I consider myself to be a man’s man, whatever that means. Tough exterior and deep down I’m a softy. Really deep, don’t get it twisted. I heard stories about men crying at the birth of their child, but that didn’t happen to me. What did happen over this six months was a systematic softening up of daddy. He knows what he is doing with his smiles, soft cooing and grabbing at my face with his miniature version of my hands. He be knowing. I still don’t have tear ducts, but I can feel a definite shift in the force happening.
2. Car Seat Swag
I fought the car seat as long as I could. My wife didn’t go back to work until my son was almost 5 months so I had time to get used to the idea of having a car seat. I would do everything in my power to avoid it. I wouldn’t install the base in my car. I’d drive my wife’s car if I had to take the baby anywhere, but putting a car seat in my car, nope, wasn’t going to happen. Am I wrong? Maybe, but even with the 14 months I had to prepare for the moment when I would have extra permanent seat firmly secured in my back seat, I still wasn’t ready. I did everything I could to never put that car seat in my car. I would wait until she got home from running errands to run my errands, passing the baby to her and hitting the road. It’s not just the car seat, like I said before babies have stuff. It’s the car seat, the stroller, the diaper bag. So much stuff. Honestly, I felt like a bit of my old self would die when I put a car seat in the back of my car for the world to see. It did, but I’m okay with it now. Sort of. I look in the rear view now and see that car seat and think how crazy life is now. Never thought I would be here.
3. I’m Okay with the Dog
I have a dog that I never wanted. My wife literally found this puppy in the street kept it. At first I wanted to sell it, the street value was around $1500. Then the dog stopped peeing in the house, now knows some tricks and has started following me everywhere around the house. I think the dog took the baby softening me up as a way to try to work its way in. I don’t think my wife reads my blog, so I’m not telling her that I like the dog. Just say I am okay with the dog now. It can stay.
There are probably some other ways that I have changed. Change is inevitable, especially when you have a kid as cute as mine influencing that change. What were some ways your children changed you? Let me know.
